As The Father Of A Daughter

As the father of a daughter, I had trouble falling asleep last night, after watching the coverage of the shootings in Santa Barbara.
As the father of a daughter, I know how much those girls were loved, how badly their parents wanted to keep them safe, how hopeless the world must seem to them this morning.
As the father of a daughter, I watched the video of the killer with horror but not surprise. I’ve seen men with that look in their eyes. Young men and old men. Men who in other areas of their lives might be kind, empathetic and reasonable, but for whom women are objects, enemies, a battle ground to be won and taken.
As the father of a daughter, I want to tell her how to safeguard herself from men like that, teach her how to talk to them in a way that won’t rile them up, won’t make her a target.
As the father of a daughter, I know that isn’t possible. There is nothing a woman can do to prevent a man from deciding that he should possess her, dominate her, take her, own her.

As the father of a daughter, I worry about sexual predators. Rapists who murder, kidnap, assault. Rapists who act like friends, who might, until the very moment they get her alone, be friends. Rapists who sidle up next to her in a bar and drop something in her drink.
As the father of a daughter, I worry about men who, while not sexual predators, are–because there’s not a better word for it– creepy and whom might catcall her, grab her, slap her rear as she walks by, just make her feel weird and grossed out by how they look at her.
As the father of a daughter, I worry about how boys her age might objectify and pressure her, and how the group dynamic can turn ugly at a moment’s notice, attacking the weakest with recklessness and brutality.
As the father of a daughter, there are things I worry about that I cannot even write out, but that I could find without any effort if I just typed a few search terms into google.

As the father of a daughter, I wish that all men would take just a moment, today, to look inside, to decide if they are proud of the way they stare at women on the street, the way they talk to them in bars, the way they talk about them when they feel the women are just out of earshot.

As the father of a daughter, I feel complicit. I’ve been at poker games, football games, street fairs and business meetings, on message boards and in email chains, where I’ve heard comments about women, tinged with a particular kind of frustrated anger, that I have chosen to ignore. Because it’s easier to ignore them than to be ostracized, thought unmanly, excluded.
As the father of a daughter, I promise, from this moment on, to have zero tolerance, to be vigilant, to remember that all women are someone’s daughter, and to be brave enough to remind others of that, when they need reminding.

As the father of a daughter, I want so many things to be different. I want her to feel free, unselfconscious about what she wears, how she looks, who’s safe to be alone with. I want her to grow up and find love, and to be able to express herself sexually when the time is right (40, 50 years from now), without being made to feel used, cheapened, possessed. Without feeling shameful, slutty, wanton.
As the father of a daughter, I want to keep the doors locked and my little girl inside. But…
As the father of a daughter, I know she needs to learn, each day, how to survive, how to thrive, how to live. And…
As the father of a daughter, I recognize her strength, her instincts, and I have to trust that they will serve her, guide her. So…
As the father of a daughter, I hold the door open instead and smile as she walks through it, hoping she doesn’t see fear in my face.

As the father of a daughter, I am grieving for the fathers who felt about their daughters exactly how I feel about mine, only to have their special little girls ripped from them by a monster.
And…
As the father of a daughter, I need to stop writing this now, so that I can go and give my daughter a hug, to tell her that whatever’s bothering her today will be gone tomorrow, but that I won’t be.

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7 Responses to “As The Father Of A Daughter”

  1. Danielle Dimston Says:

    Thank you for writing this and thank you for sharing this. It must be said again and again. We have to lead the way towards who we want to be and what we represent and shape the world we want for the future of those we love.

    Danielle Dimston http://www.dimston.net

    >

  2. Michael O. Says:

    Guns have no place in a civil society. Sadly, we’re not there yet.

  3. Tom Says:

    Thank you for eloquently expressing the thoughts that are in my head that I could not find the words to match. It was poignantly stated and I will continue to share it in hopes that everyone will read, share and heed as well.

  4. Leonard Pollack Says:

    Just to remind you and everyone, there were 3 boys stabbed to death. Not a mention anywhere.

    • Brian Koppelman Says:

      I was responding emotionally to what the killer said and wrote about women. This isn’t a grand statement on the entire incident. Just one father’s immediate personal response. Of course the death of those boys is a horrific tragedy. Every bit as horrific as the death of the girls. I have a son, too, and love him every bit as much as I do my daughter.
      Thanks for reading.

  5. Greg Says:

    Brian this is terrific! I am expecting a daughter and this event horrified me beyond belief and made me sad to think of a world like this she will grow up in. I will work even harder to make sure she can she can navigate the pitfalls of life.

    Thanks again.

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